Monday, July 11, 2011

About Knights and Soldiers...

I only left the nest once this weekend to visit with my godmother that was visiting my city. There were no images taken by me during the visit with her. I find myself closing in when I have some deep and introspective moments. I no longer am a witness of my surroundings because I am the subject in question. For many years I have held my mother responsible for the outcome of my life. After-all she allowed my father to leave me homeless at the age of 15. I find it hard when anyone tells me to move on as if it never happened.

But it did... It did happen... I was alone with no parental supervision and no one that could guide me. I was lonely. I was scared... the uncertainty and the fear of the unknown like shadows and monsters continue to haunt me. I felt unloved and discarded... I can't think of a worst feeling than to feel unloved and unwanted. I felt betray by my makers and this would help create and dictate the person I have become. Because when someone hurts us deeply we can forgive... but we can't forget...

We arm ourselves like knights in metal armour grab our shields and swords and walk life prepared for battle. We build moats between ourselves and others and may add a few alligators for precaution. We design heavy walls and doors that are impenetrable and hard to climb... We also build turrets that we can climb unto so we can see in the distant and warn ourselves of everyone and anyone that walks near us and try to let themselves in...  

Yes, we become soldiers ready for battle when our hearts are broken. The hurt... the pain... the anguish and the broken trust are tough emotions to deal with. It is also hard to forget because it is the way we learn and we grow...  As children early on we learn fire is hot so we avoid and try not to ever touch... As adults we learn heartbreak and we proceed to protect ourselves. So we go on walking life like game of whack a mole. Everywhere there is a possibility of love and trust when it comes up we whack it fast with all our might and power. Until one day our arms tired and we give in... We try again full of hope and faith... 

My arms were tired at 19 and I gave in to love with the birth of my son... My forgiveness came in through my children... This was the safest must trustworthy place I've found to rest my weary soul. To restore all the love and faith for all humanity... This is the only place I have found to be true, pure and like a river I have come to it to cleanse myself new... Be reborn again. 

I am not certain when I will banish all those dark corners... I am not sure when I will clear and free myself of all the spider-webs. I can tell you I no longer live in a castle where a moat separates me from humankind... I tore down the turrets and now I can look out from a window... My walls have been torn down...
But somehow I feel I should at least hold on to my shield... 

Just in case...

My Punk Rock Self...1987 Age 15.


  1. A very cool picture.... You have had some hard times and your sharing them is a gift to yourself as well as to those you share it with.

  2. It was not the ideal situation but it made you stronger, beautiful and so much more of a better person. And you rose above it like a phoenix XOXOXO

  3. I hope you realize, if not today, then soon that you are an inspiration to others. You have risen above it all. Look at the love you have for your children and they for you. Now THAT is something to dwell upon. Of course you can't forget the past but you can draw upon it for the future and how you embrace it. God Speed.

  4. I'm new to your blog and don't know your history, but it sounds like you are a strong woman and have persevered through difficult times. xxoo

  5. You're braver than me.

    Only a handful know the true colors of my soul. I'm like Robert DiNero and his Meet the Parents circle of trust. lmao ;)

    If you feel the urge or need for change then you should. If your spirit needs to unload all of that negativity then leave it behind you and continue to soar. Maybe with lightness comes more happiness.

    I just know that you will be ok and this time when you attempt to open up you have your little tribe beside you. They will not hesitate to protect also heal you and nourish as you continue to grow.

    Again, I have no doubt that you are going to be ok sister warrior. xoxo

  6. *hugs* You write so beautifully and to hear of your past is moving. You are an inspiration xoxox

  7. honest truthful post....I too have a shield and sometimes hide behind the wall I build up when I get scared...but for the most part..I too found a way back through the eyes of my children...
    blessings to you this day..

  8. But without those times, you wouldn't be who you are!

  9. We learn from the past but sometimes it clouds our vision for the future. I have my own dark past with my parents/step-parents. I too had to let go of some things when I had my daughter. It was hard and I will never forget although I've done my best to forgive. I made myself a promise that I will never be the type of parents that my parents were. It's a story that I haven't felt comfortable writing just yet. Maybe one day.

  10. Now following from Follow me Chickadee Blog Hop

    Would love a follow back
    Simply Sami

  11. YOU are a strong, beautiful woman with a great family.
    I am sorry for your hurts as I can understand in MANY WAYS!
    you are loved my friend

  12. ~~Oh, so this is why you are such an incredible writer...Your Pain. Your survival. Your jouney. Your experience. ...All part of you.

    now part of your readers..

    I love love love your posts.

    " We try again full of hope and faith..."

    You are amaaaaaaazing. xxx

  13. I think you and I have had similar paths when it comes to being wary about new interlopers in our various realms. You know, the Knight of Swords has always held powerful associations for me.

  14. Such a beautiful, moving piece.... touched my heart ! Thank you.
    Following on GFC and twitter. Feel free to follow back.
    Stopping by from wed wine hop

  15. You looks so cool in that pic...

    I love your post, it is inspiring.
    I really believe that when really needed we can find strength inside of us that we never knew existed.

  16. The story of your youth is such a painful one. That you developed into such a loving mother and wife in spite of all that pain is a testament to the strength of your soul, your character. There's a fine line between remembering just enough of the past so that we know where we came from and not so much that we allow it to overshadow and define us in "this" moment -- the moment that really matters. Un abrazo, Adriana. It's more than okay to carry a shield.

  17. This is amazingly powerful. You are such a strong woman for breaking down those barriers and opening yourself up to love again.

    I am so impressed by how you've overcome your heartache and disappointment in life. You see the beauty in life so much more than most people I know. It is amazing.

  18. Hello new blog friend! Im your newest follower via the blog hop! It would be great if you could follow me back!

    Have a great day,
    ~ Meg ~

    I love your outlook on life... very inspiring

  19. From your picture, I can tell you that we ran in the same kinds of circles in 1987--similar wardrobes, hairstyles and I'm betting some similar music tastes, too! So glad you made it to now, and are who you are because of it all.

  20. What gorgeous pictures! You seriously have a beautiful family


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